In high school, I had an assignment to write a satire of Hemingway, largely based off A Farewell To Arms.  Primarily, I incorporated several of his distinct and re-occuring themes from the novel and took them to an absurdist extreme.  (The ending is a joke about Hemingway's repeated re-writing of said novel.)  I'm sure it doesn't amuse anyone else nearly as much as it amuses me, but it's probably my favorite writing to date.

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The room was dark and cool and the rain had not fallen in hours. There was mildew gathering on the window paine and the rain had been making it worse but the rain had just stopped. I raised the chablis to the mouth and drank slowly and some wine dribbled down my chin. It was old and it was good.

"Zut alors," said Catherine.

"Why do you say that?"

"Darling, I just can't stop thinking about how much I love you, darling. I want to destroy myself to please you."

Gently, I separated a morsel of Brie from the mass of cheese. I kneaded it in my hands and moved it into the mouth and chewed on it and chewed again.

"I don't want you to destroy yourself, sweet," I said. "I love you and you're such a brave, gentle girl."

"I'll do anything for you and I love you. I'm not brave, only gentle. Only you are brave. You do not have to be brave."

"No?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I love you."

"Je t'aime aussi. I love you too. Est-ce que m'aime vraiment?"

"You know I don't know French. You don't have to be smart for me, Darling."

I translated.

"I love you awful. I'll be simple for you. Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie. I'm done with that now."

I lifted the Dolly Madison Zinger delicately with my fingers. I was sure not to squeeze it too tight and make the filling come out and make a mess. I moved the Zinger to the mouth and took a bite and it was good.

"Quand est-ce que m'appelle?" I asked.

"I don't understand, Darling. I do not like it when you play games. No, I am a naughty girl. If you want to play games, we will play games. I am only here for you. I will be simple for you."

I chewed, then swallowed. I looked at her and brought the chablis to the mouth again. The wine complimented flavoring of the Zinger. I unwrapped another and brought it to the mouth. It was happy.

"I do not mean to play games."

"You are my religion. I follow you."

"If you follow me, it may rain and you will get scared and you will see us dead in the rain."

"I am afraid of the rain. I will not be afraid of the rain if you do not wish it. I am a part of you and I want you to be happy."

I lifted the meatball sandwich to the mouth. I tried to move it in and it was too big. A meatball fell from the sandwich and landed on the bed and hit Catherine.

"It is good," she said. "It will keep Young Catherine small. If young Cat is a boy then she will become president of Luxembourg."

"That would be good."

"Do you like it? I will not let it happen if you don't want it, Darling. I love you and I am nothing without you."

"Sweet, what's my name?"

" 'Darling?' "

"No, it's Henry."

"Is that what it is. Now the baby is "Young Henry." I did not know your name and I called the baby "Young Cat" and now I know your name and it will be fine."

I lifted the chocolate milkshake to the mouth and put it in. It cascaded through the mouth and splashed onto my tongue and down my throat. I almost thought of Rinaldi, but I did not think of Rinaldi. That part of me was dead now. Now it was just the mouth. The mouth liked Cat and I did not, but men couldn't make such choices in such times and it was simple and it was alright. The rain was not falling and Cat went into labor. She told me about the labor and we left the room. The mouth wanted to finish the pizza, but did not.

A tornado brushed the building. Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Then it was over. It had passed. We had been knocked down. I tried to move but could not move. I think Cat was still in labor. I got up. "Jesu!" I thought. I looked for Cat.

ending #1: She was on the ground like a statue. I left and walked onto the street and into the tornado.

ending #2: Cat had a hold of the vodka I had brought out with me. "Je vous aime beaucoup," she cried. I couldn't remember what that meant and I passed out.

#3: I saw that Cat was in the tornado and could not be saved. I noticed that the tornado had sucked the mildew off the window pane and it was good. It had left my wine collection and that was good.

#4: I got up and saw that Cat was in the tornado and could not be saved. The mouth decided that we should go back and finish the pizza and we did.

#5: Rinaldi entered the room. "I love you, baby," he said. He tried to kiss me and I would not let him. He tried to tell me about the girls at the front. I told him that part of me was dead and that I was now the mouth. He told me that he was cured of syphilis and we took Cat to the hospital.

#6: Oh, to hell with it...

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