This scene was written back in `94 by myself and my best friend. I was intended as a short scene for a theater project but, alas, a scheduling conflict arose among the cast and it was never performed. But, here it is, displayed for the first time for public consumption- hold onto your hats...d i s c l a i m e r:
We are not making fun of: Pam Dawber, Kool Moe Dee, Suzanne Sommers, Hazel, French people, deaf people, bipolar people, the Solid Gold Dancers, schizophrenics, or British Columbians.
IT'S A JOKE! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE! JUST ENJOY IT, OKAY?!?
"Jilted" or Hazel, Hazel, Hazel (flawed version)
written by David Krinsky and Rocky McGowen
ANNOUNCER: All the way from Prince Rupert, British Columbia, it's the Que Pasa and Como Estas Show, starring Que Pasa and Como Estas who always ask their guests "como estas?" and "que pasa?" Tonight, Pam Dawber comes by our studio to talk intimately about "Mork and Mindy," Suzanne Sommers brings her Thighmaster and Que tries it out. We also have our special musical guests: that loveable indie band Hazel and the get-down, phat, and funky rapper Kool Moe Dee, plus the Solid Gold Dancers! Now here are the stars of our show, Que Pasa and Como Estas! (Que and Como enter)
COMO: Hello and welcome to our show!
QUE: I'm Que.
COMO: And I'm Como. This is our first episode and I hope you enjoy it.
QUE: For the first time in network history, we have a deaf interpreter with us to reach that growing deaf audience. It must be, demographics don't lie. This is Lucia. Lucia? Can you say "big mouth?" Ha-ha-ha! Everybody give a big "HI" to Lucia! (Lucia continues to "sign" through-out the whole scene)
COMO: We must also introduce our sexy former "Price Is Right" model, Linda Linda! Linda, c'mon out and show the audience your stuff!
(music cue: "Skip To My Lu" by Lisa Lisa)
(Linda Linda comes out to start dancing, then trips over a cord)
QUE: Watch out there, Linda. That first step's a doozy. Ha-ha!
COMO: I'd like you to give a special welcome to our first guest. Actually folks, make it a very warm welcome because our next guest hasn't had much success since "My Sister Sam"-
QUE: -And you know how that turned out.
COMO: Yes. Well, because of this, she's...well...a little unstable, but she's agreed to be here anyway.
QUE: Even her doctors said it's okay. Please welcome...Pam Dawber!
(Pam enters and runs around screaming. Suddenly, she stops and sits down. Still, she breathes rapidly and stares at Que.)
QUE: So, Pam-
PAM: -yes?-
QUE: Um, Pam-
PAM: -yes?-
QUE: Um...Pam-
PAM: What do you want from me? (pause) I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille! (She turns to Como and lunges at him, strangling him)
COMO: Get her off me! She's wacko!
PAM: Never! You'll never get my car on the Paramount lot!
(Que and Linda Linda rush on and pull her off Como. As Linda holds her back, Que and Como wrap Pam up and affix a stamp that reads "To Bolivia" on her.)
COMO: Bye, now! Thanks, Linda.
(Linda drags the packaged Pam off-stage)
QUE: Well that was interesting.
COMO: Oh, yes. It was.
QUE: Now it's time for our first musical guest, Kool Moe Dee!
STAGE MANAGER (off-stage): There's a problem.
QUE: What do you mean? There's never a prob on the Que and Como Show!
S.M.: Well, Kool is, um, not exactly here.
COMO: Well, what do you mean.
S.M.: Kool said your show wasn't "phat" enough- that's a quote- so he took off. He said that he thought that this was going to be a "def" show- another quote- but he decided it wasn't "whack" at all.
QUE: Splendid. Just splendid.
COMO: No, things will be okay. Let's just bring on our next guest-
(a croissant drops from the rafters and hits Como)
COMO (sudden look of horror): Oh no!
QUE: What's wrong?
COMO: It's my evil alter ego, Zut Alors! He's surfacing! AAAAAIIIIIEEEE! (Como collapses)
QUE: No! Not...Zut Alors- he's French!
ZUT/COMO (Zut rises. With French accent:) Where am I?
LINDA LINDA: (rushing on stage) Zut? Is that you?
ZUT/COMO: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think it was really...Quelle Heure Est-Il!
L.L.: It is!
ZUT/COMO: Ah, Quelle! At last, it's you!
QUE: Como, what's wrong with you?
ZUT/COMO: Who are you? Comment t'appelle?
QUE: What? It's- (gasp!)- French! Not French! Como! Snap out of it!
ZUT/COMO: I am not a "Como," I am "Zut." This is, how you say, encroyable! (Zut/Como begins to spout French)
LUCIA: Stop it! I can't translate that crap into sign language. I didn't- I never learned- I failed sign language in French, okay? (She shrieks, pauses, then resumes her place and continues signing)
(Zut/Como is shocked by the scream and collapses)
L.L.: No! Zut! (in Lucia's direction:) You brazen hussy!
COMO: It's me, Como! I'm back.
L.L.: Zut! Don't you remember me anymore?
COMO: Were you that blond waitress in that diner in Bakersfield?
L.L.: You mean, you don't know me?
COMO: Can't say that I do.
L.L.: Noooooooo! (She runs out screaming)
QUE: It seems our first show has been quite a...scream!
COMO: Yes. It has. Have you noticed that all that bad stuff happens to me?
QUE: Actually, I did.
COMO: Good.
QUE: Let's bring out Suzanne Sommers and her lovely thighs- master! C'mon out, Suzanne, while we still have time.
STAGE MANAGER (off-stage): Que, I think you should know that Suzanne took off after Linda Linda ran around the make-up area with a pair of salad tongs, screaming "Give me back my man! I'd eat croissants and eclairs until the end of time for him!"
QUE: It would seem that this brings our first show to a close.
PAM: No it hasn't. (Pam enters, shucking off her "Bolivia" packaging)
QUE & COMO: Gasp!
PAM: You thought that you sent me to Bolivia, but I escaped from the post office! I have not been amused. You guys were going to send me 4th class postage! I'm very hurt by this.
COMO: What are you going to do?
PAM: I'm gonna-
LUCIA: You hold it right there, sister. I've had just about enough of you! (Lucia moves to slap Pam)
PAM: (shocked, runs out screaming)
COMO: Wow! Lucky for us that she's schizo!
QUE: Don't you mean bipolar?
COMO: I'm not sure... In any case, lucky for us that she's bipolar!
QUE: Really! I've never been so glad to have someone be mental in my whole life! Did you happen to notice that a lot of mental things have been going on, in addition to her?
COMO: No, not really. In any case, this is the real end to our first show.
QUE: Wait- we forgot about Hazel, our other musical guest.
COMO: You're right! Here's Hazel! (As strains of "Jilted" are heard, the curtain begins to close)
QUE: No! What? Wait- Hazel!
COMO: Wait! The band!
(Curtains close)
QUE: Oh well, bye for now, folks!
