CURRENT FEATURE: MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE
NOT MY FAULT!
BY MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE
The guy many call the "Will Rogers of the '90s" tackles the Big Issues of our time.
ONE MAN'S OPINION
"The pessimist sees the glass as half empty; the optimist sees the glass as half full. I don't even see the fucking glass."
I don't think of myself as just another writer. I see myself more as an Instrument of Destiny with a clear moral imperative to set the world straight on a few things. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not claiming that I'm right and that everyone else is wrong. All I'm saying is when the Angel of the Lord appeared to me and allowed me to read certain key passages from The Book of Life, it gave me an "overview" that others may not have. Call it "Wisdom" or "Truth" or a " Mandate from God," I don't care. I prefer to consider it "one man's opinion" and let it go at that. With this in mind, I'd like to share with you my views on a range of topics because I feel that you, the reader, have a right to know where I stand on the Big Issues:
Abortion--I believe that life begins when the child can shuffle and deal a deck of cards. That's where I draw the line. Terminate the child before he or she can deal a deck of cards and it's a lawful abortion; after and it's murder.
Gays in the Military--Call me just another flag-waver, but I think if a boy is old enough to suck dick, he's old enough to fight for his country.
Israel--I hear the Israelis killed so many Palestinian teenagers this year that Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, has been changed to the Jewish month of atonement.
The Arabs--Any race that eats with one hand and wipes with the other is bound to become confused occasionally.
Incidentally, the Angel of the Lord promised to get me one of those neat dogs that Son of Sam had--one of those dogs that can talk and tell you who should live and who should die. Boy, I'd love one of those dogs. I'd name him "Rags" or "Scamp." But I digress. Let me return to discussing the Big Issues--not the icing on the cake, mind you, but the cake itself:
Life--Life is one big minefield and the only place that isn't a minefield is the place they make the mines.
Freedom of Speech--I believe that the right to shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater is the very cornerstone of the First Amendment. Once they take that away, then they take away the right to shout "Fuck!" in a crowded theater and, before you know it, the only thing you can do in a crowded theater is put on productions of My Fair Lady.
Sex Education in the Schools--How is a fourth grader going to make an informed decision on whether or not to get her nipples pierced if she doesn't know the facts? How can a young schoolboy be expected to select the right double-dildo for his needs if someone doesn't show him? Of course, I fully support sex education, at an early age, that discusses alternative lifestyles in a frank and candid manner and, to this end, I recommend the book Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, and This Guy Who Could Be an Uncle or Could Be an Aunt, Depending on How He Dresses.
War--I'm against the use of military force except as a first resort.
Violence on Television--I believe that there is nowhere near enough violence on television. For example, there's nothing wrong with the Montel Williams Show that Ed Gein and a Troy-Bilt Chipper-Vac couldn't fix. Observe how a single burst from a flamethrower adds viewer interest to this dreary commercial:
"Gee, I used to think that all denture gels were the same. That's before I discovered new--FWOOOSH! "OH MY GOD I'M ON FIRE OH JESUS HELP ME OH CHRIST AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Watch how a random mortar shell peps up this lackluster scene from I'll Fly Away:
"Are colored folks different from white folks, Lilly?"
"Of course not, John Morgan. Only the color of our skin is different. But we share the same hopes, the same dreams, that all people do. And one of those dreams is of a day when Americans will judge a man not by the color of his skin but by--"
"OH MY GOD I'M ON FIRE OH JESUS HELP ME OH CHRIST AAAAAGGHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
In fact, I don't think television will ever be perfected until the viewer can press a button and cause whoever is on the screen's head to explode. I have to stop now. Scamp wants to go for a walk. "What's that, boy?" He's trying to tell me something. "We should pay a visit to...? Steve who?" Well, evidently Scamp wants me to go see Steve Guttenberg and take along my Heckler & Koch MP5 9-millimeter semi-automatic with a 30-round clip and some piano wire. I have no idea why but I'm sure he'll tell me when we get there.
NEXT MONTH: Twelve New Ways To Disappoint Your Parents.
NOT MY FAULT 1 - NOT MY FAULT 2 - NOT MY FAULT 3 - NOT MY FAULT 4
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