CURRENT FEATURE: MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE
NOT MY FAULT!
BY MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE
A joke, a poem, two definitions, an aphorism, a limerick, a Zen koan, three more aphorisms, a play, an Arab curse, an Irish prayer, an old Greek proverb, another Arab curse, and the Secret of Life.
THE KITCHEN SINK
Sailor Dick: "What kind of ship is that?"
Captain Bob: "Frigate."
Sailor Dick: "You're right. Who gives a fuck."
Tea and coffee
Coffee and tea
Swim in the ocean
Drown in the sea.
Shade and shadow
Shadow and shade
Murder the mistress
Finger the maid.
Honorable Discharge--How the Japanese address their clap symptoms.
Strip mining--Game played by swinging mineralogists who remove one article of clothes for every copper deposit they locate.
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life...and already you've fucked it up."
A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Tattooed the Lord's Prayer on his belly.
By the time that a Brahman
Read down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation and Kelly.
If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, what color is the fence?
"A man is never taller than when he stoops to help Paul Simon."
"Living well and ripping your enemy's still-beating heart out with your bare hands is the best revenge."
"Trust no one, least of all, yourself."
The Power Fuck--a play in one act.
I am important. Would you be interested in having sex with me?
Perhaps. Is your penis large or small?
Small but it is thick.
Call me next week. I'm in the book.
"May you own a hotel with a thousand rooms, and may you be found dead in every one of them."
"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rain fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in his hands
And squeeze you till the piss runs out your ears."
--an Irish prayer
"The only difference between a woman and a sheep is you can't make a sweater out of a woman."
--old Greek proverb
"May Andrea Dworkin's bathmat become lodged in your throat!"
--another Arab curse
The old man said, "My son, I give you the Key to Enlightenment--a secret so simple that no man can fully understand it." He leaned forward and hissed two solitary words: "Life sucks."
"Holy one," I replied, "I know that already. It is common knowledge."
He spoke again in a low whisper that rattled the golden scrolls and echoed from the farthest corners of the moon-raked lamasery.
"Yes, but I mean it really sucks."
--The Book of Pain, Chapter One
NEXT MONTH: Showdown at the Up Yours Corral
NOT MY FAULT 1 - NOT MY FAULT 2 - NOT MY FAULT 3 - NOT MY FAULT 4
things i like Michael O'Donoghue